By Safron Salhan
Second year, BA (Hons) Asian Studies and German
As we come towards the end of another academic year, we find ourselves again asking the question, “Where has this year gone?”, but this time for a different reason. It is safe to say that this is a period of our lives that we could have never imagined; on top of navigating university life, the challenges and uncertainties that the pandemic has presented has had an overwhelmingly negative effect on our mental health.
My personal mental health journey has been a long and tumultuous one. I have struggled with severe anxiety and depression since a very young age, but it wasn’t until sixth form that I was officially diagnosed. I always knew that the way I felt wasn’t healthy. Looking “normal” from the outside, but on the inside, suffering alone in silence. To most people, I was a regular kid, never really acted out, always attended school, worked hard and was happy. In reality, I constantly felt anxious, sad and alone, even when I was surrounded by people who cared about me. When I tried to reach out, I was often told “there is nothing wrong with you” or that it is “just a phase that every young person goes through”. You quickly begin to doubt your emotions, feel lost and hopeless. As I got older, the severity of these feelings fluctuated but began to compound and manifest themselves in many different ways.
Then came the start of my first year of university. I quickly realised that my anxiety again had become too much for me to handle alone. My body was in fight or flight mode 24/7. My social anxiety was so all-consuming that I couldn’t fully concentrate because I was always hyper-vigilant of everything happening around me. Being near, just walking past or alongside others caused an indescribable amount of fear within me. I found myself confined to my room; even going into the kitchen became too stressful. As my anxiety worsened, I actively began to avoid others, taking routes that other people wouldn’t or waiting long periods of time so that I could walk alone. The physical and mental stress that I was under made me feel constantly unwell and tired. I also began to suffer from sleep paralysis. When you’re under that much pressure, it feels like you’re always running without rest. With the help of the Department’s Student Support, the University Medical Centre and Psychological Therapies, including one course of CBT, I have been able to understand the foundations of my anxiety and depression. This has allowed me to change how I react to my negative thoughts and perceptions of a situation. Unfortunately, once I had started to feel more confident in myself, the pandemic hit.
The pandemic and being in lockdown has impacted everyone differently. Most difficult for me has been the loss of structure that in-person teaching creates and finding the motivation to do anything. Like many, I have been burdened by a feeling of guilt due to my unproductiveness. Particularly, I have been annoyed at myself for not being able to complete my assignments to the best of my ability, even not being able to do things that I usually would enjoy. To combat this, I remind myself of what I have been able to get done despite feeling the way I do; given the challenges I have faced, I can feel content as long as I know I have done the most I can at that time. It is very tough to overcome having no motivation. As obvious as it seems, creating a regular sleep schedule and a list of achievable tasks can help tremendously.
Rethinking how you perceive success and failure is very helpful too. We tend to dwell on all of the things we haven’t done, ignoring even the smallest of things that we have been able to do. For some people, finding the motivation to just get out of bed is a significant achievement. You should try and find a balance between the anxiety you need to feel to complete a task and not being overwhelmed by the feeling of failure when you don’t. If not imperative, it is okay that you haven’t done it. Vocalising your problems is often much more powerful than we think. Before Christmas, not being able to go outside and lack of sunlight had a significantly negative impact on my mood, resulting in me not being able to eat or sleep for several days at a time. Once I had told somebody else that I was struggling, I could let go of the guilt of keeping up a pretence that everything was ok. Sometimes you can get stuck in an unhealthy routine, and as it becomes your normal, you become desensitised to the reality around you. Even if you feel like you’re coping alone, it is still important to ask for help or let someone know how you have been feeling.
With the feeling of loss so prevalent, it can be challenging to recognise any positives from being in lockdown. We are fixated on what should have or could have been, what we couldn’t do instead of focusing on what we could do. Maybe some of us picked up a new hobby or several. Rediscovered something we used to love or finally caught up on some of the things we always said we’d get to later. We have proven that there are so many ways to get things done and how adaptable we can be. Despite so many exciting things being cancelled, there have been so many exciting opportunities presented to me and that I have taken part in. Equally, I have spent a lot of time doing very little. We have proven that there are so many new ways to build and maintain relationships, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I have met some amazing new people virtually but also not maintained regular contact with others. It is easy to idealise something that never happened. Realising that they wouldn’t have been positive only experiences, in reality, can help to dispel some of the negative emotions from feeling like you missed out. As the saying goes, the grass is always greener.
Never before have we collectively placed such an importance on looking after our mental health. As much as exercising, going for a walk, or meditation can be highly beneficial for your overall wellbeing, it is not a fix-all remedy to our problems. Feeling and emotions are complex and are allowed to be. We cannot always have complete control over them, but we can recognise when we need to ask for help or take a step back. Whilst at high school, I was repeatedly told that it would be the last time my personal wellbeing would be cared for. My experience here at Kent could not have been more opposite of this; if you are struggling or your studies have been negatively affected by something, please let your student support officers know. I cannot stress how important this is! The University has so many measures in place to make sure that no student is disadvantaged. Try and keep the university informed as much as possible because you are more likely to receive the care you need. Don’t suffer in silence!
Everyone should be proud that they have made it through another year and what they have achieved given the circumstances.
Stay safe and look after yourselves as best as you can!