Picture a dolphin – joyful, content and safe. He\u00a0sings sweet songs\u00a0to himself. Occasionally, he must put on a few displays, a few shows and though it makes him uncomfortable, he goes with it because\u00a0it is\u00a0his duty. Years pass by in this fashion until one day he starts feeling something new,\u00a0something inexplicable but powerful, something ridiculous but necessary. His breathing has become\u00a0constricted, his songs have become more melancholic. He has this constant urge to just jump out of\u00a0the\u00a0pool\u00a0he is\u00a0confined in, to the limitless sky. To the sunshine. What will happen to me?<\/p>\n
Now picture me. A\u00a017-year-old\u00a0Indian boy\u00a0\u2013\u00a0jet-black hair, braced teeth and as the family\u00a0says,\u00a0\u2018getting thinner everyday\u2019.\u00a0I am\u00a0applying to several universities, none of them are in India, or Asia.\u00a0All\u00a0I want is to get out, to escape. My whole family, except my mother,\u00a0my rock,\u00a0is against it.<\/p>\n
\u2018The boy is holed up in his room reading all the time. If he can\u2019t even go to the grocery store to buy essentials for his family, how do you think he\u2019ll thrive in a different continent?\u2019 is the exact translation of what they asked my mother in Malayalam, my mother tongue.<\/p>\n
Hearing that one is incapable of living in the real world is a hard thing but having heard it all my life it could no longer affect me. But what my mother said next really affected me. ‘I have no idea. But I am sure.’ Sure, of what? She did not say. She was never one for cheesy melodrama. That day I knew that I was not sure of what I was doing, and that I would never be, for that matter. But this is what excited me \u2013 this uncertainty, this danger.<\/p>\n
When one has lived a whole life being protected, being helped, all one needs is to get out of that bubble. Not to find an identity (like you see in English biopics of people from minorities coming to a big city); I had an identity, unfortunately an identity that went against all or most of the established societal and filial norms\u00a0\u2013 like an unpleasant note in a melodious song, like an\u00a0ink stain\u00a0on a perfect piece of writing.\u00a0What I wanted was a forum to be able to showcase that identity, confidently and unequivocally.<\/p>\n
I had my fair share\u00a0of difficulties to\u00a0get to England. COVID-19\u00a0compounded all the uncertainties that usually come along during\u00a0the\u00a0application\u00a0time. Nobody was sure\u00a0I would\u00a0get into a university when a new term was\u00a0going to start soon.\u00a0Then one morning my mother and I made a Clearing application to Kent. Imagine my surprise when I got an unconditional offer the evening of the same day. I was enthralled. But\u00a0even\u00a0that happiness was momentary, because the\u00a0immigration\u00a0process that ensued\u00a0took all the energy out of me. A whole month was filled with unsatisfactory sleeps, unsuccessful trips to banks to get the sufficient student loan in the time left and\u00a0unnecessary\u00a0anxieties.<\/p>\n
I think of a line in a movie I\u00a0once\u00a0saw:<\/p>\n
\u2018Things will work out in the end. Why? Because they simply must.\u2019<\/p>\n
And it did for me. Amidst mounting financial difficulties, amidst a global pandemic and\u00a0a life I knew too well, I decided to fly.\u00a0Both literally and metaphorically.\u00a0In a practical sense, this was the most stupid decision I\u00a0could have\u00a0made, but I wanted it \u2013 stupidity was something that a nerdy, do-it-all, rule-following kid wanted to embrace.<\/p>\n
My journey was a \u2018Comedy of Errors\u2019 of sorts.\u00a0When I left Kerala, my family gathered around me, sure that they would not physically see me for four years and said goodbye. It was awkward, but painful. There were tears in my father\u2019s eyes. That man! My dog,\u00a0Becka,\u00a0just\u00a0looked at me accusingly. She turned her head when I said goodbye. She still does when I video call my parents. I reached Delhi for the connection flight and there\u00a0I got taken to a dingy part of Delhi (ravaged by\u00a0COVID-19) and I was scammed\u00a0by the locals. My luggage\u00a0(which I recklessly left behind)\u00a0was taken up by the airport officials because they presumed it \u2018was a danger to the security of the airport\u2019.<\/p>\n
Despite all that I safely arrived in England by six in the morning. It was one of the most magical moments of my life. But one difficulty, which I had til then never acknowledged, presented itself. I did not\u00a0have any accommodation yet. I did not know I was going to stay at\u00a0a bed and breakfast\u00a0until I\u00a0asked for a room there\u00a0the day I arrived. I was helped of course, at every step of the way, by total strangers.\u00a0Wonderful, generous people who I am forever indebted to.\u00a0Here is something anybody who meets me hears:<\/p>\n
I thrive on the kindness of others.<\/p>\n
I look back on these recent memories and laugh about it. I have\u00a0always had this belief that after I move to England, everything will be alright. My life would be\u00a0just …\u00a0ecstatic. But that is not the truth.\u00a0I grapple with difficulties everyday \u2013\u00a0fortunately more practical ones\u00a0\u2013 but\u00a0I have\u00a0found a freedom\u00a0I have\u00a0never experienced\u00a0before.\u00a0I feel like a dancer in a moment of suspension, gliding through the air, unsure of how and when they will land. But as it is to them, one thing is sure to me \u2013 that moment is all that matters.<\/p>\n
Remember the question the dolphin (not the most intelligent\u00a0or challenging\u00a0of\u00a0metaphors, forgive me) asked himself.\u00a0I still do not have the answer for it. That is the beauty of it, I suppose.\u00a0I take refuge in it. In the beauty and the uncertainty. And I cherish it.\u00a0I am going to the beach tomorrow with my friends.\u00a0There is nothing like a good swim in an unbounded sea.<\/p>\n
Johan Mappumchery Babu is studying for a BA in Liberal Arts with a Year Abroad<\/a>, in Paris.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"