Support for a PhD Student
As someone who’s been walking these PhD streets for just over seven months now, I think I’m starting to get used to the varying rhythms this journey throws at you. From the low days—feeling down in the dumps with lab experiments that just refuse to cooperate, no matter how much effort and thought you put in—to the highs of hearing a resounding “well done” in a data analysis meeting with your supervisor, this road is anything but linear.
And still, I don’t think we talk enough about the kind of support a person on this long, demanding research trajectory truly needs.
This post is for you—whether you’re a friend, family member, partner, or mentor to someone doing a PhD. (Be on the lookout for a future post where I’ll be writing directly to PhD students, sharing what I’ve learned about self-care and self-support. I’ve got you too!).
They say patience is one of the highest virtues, and that couldn’t be more true than for someone on the path to a doctorate. Like an ancient, multi-doored chamber, filled with hidden corners and shifting dynamics, this journey is both intriguing and exhausting.
Understanding that can make all the difference when you’re walking alongside a loved one who’s pursuing an NQF 10 qualification—the highest level of formal education out there.
So, if you want to be a steady source of support for your ‘person,’ here’s what I’ve learned can really help:
- Consistent Affirmation
Affirmation goes a long way in support currency.
I like to think of the PhD as a picture someone’s stuck inside of. When you’re in the frame, it’s hard to see the full picture—what’s behind you, beneath you, or happening all around you. Your focus gets narrowed, and sometimes it zooms in on your perceived failures or inadequacies. It’s easy to obsess over what’s going wrong.
That’s where you come in. Affirmation from those who know you and are committed to your well-being is such a big win. So—send the meme. Share a quote about endurance. Offer to grab coffee and ask how it’s really going. Whatever your person responds to best, lean into that.
- Listen
Let’s be real: understanding the technical depths of someone’s PhD research isn’t always feasible.
Take mine—Supramolecular Chemistry. Not exactly coffee table conversation, right? But I cannot tell you how encouraging it is when my loved ones listen anyway. Whether I’m venting
or talking through a challenge, just having someone be present helps.
Even when they can’t respond meaningfully to the chemistry, their listening helps me hear my own thoughts more clearly—sometimes even leading me to breakthrough (or at least a sense of calm).
So, listen. Ask the follow-up question. Be curious. It matters more than you know.
- Respect Boundaries
Sometimes, a PhD student’s boundaries don’t make sense from the outside looking in.
I had a colleague who used to stay on campus past 7:30 pm every day and come in late the next morning—especially during deadline crunches. We all tried to convince him to “flip back” to a normal schedule. Eventually, we peer-pressured him into doing so… and it backfired. He missed his deadline and got into trouble with our supervisor.
Sometimes, what doesn’t make sense to us might be exactly what works for them. So unless it’s dangerous or unhealthy, let people be. Respect the rhythms they’ve figured out for themselves.
- Be a Team Player
Postgrad life—especially in the sciences—can be lonely.
Having a supportive, co-creative community makes such a difference. I know this post might sound like knowing a PhD student means doing all the giving, but this point is about mutuality.
Set clear expectations on both sides. If you’re a close friend or partner, talk about what you each need during this season. Misunderstandings over unspoken expectations can easily lead to resentment—something I learned the hard way during the second quarter of my studies when I had a fallout with an old friend.
So: communicate your needs. Ask for clarity. Use your words. Be in it together.
Were These Helpful?
I hope so.
This journey is absolutely a team effo rt. And our whole selves—emotional, intellectual, and relational—can benefit when we offer each other the kind of support that helps us not just survive, but grow.
To echo Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: communicate love—and support—in a language your person can best understand and receive.
Until next time.
—✍️